Sep 146 min read

Approaching the 1 year Anniversary of my Brother's Death

Hello, my dear reader!

How are you doing this day? I am writing this on a Saturday afternoon. A candle is glowing next to me and music is playing via Pandora on my phone. I love listening to Jim Brickman radio. Have you heard of him? I love his music and the station.

I sit here and I feel sadness. The sadness has been creeping up on me. It is oficially here. I know it is.

The sadness.

What does this sadness want to tell me? Well, as I have been pondering for the last few days, it is quite clear to me that this sadness is gearing me up and letting me know that the 1st anniversary of my brother's death is officially approaching. It will be on October 12th. If you are unfamiliar, my dear brother died at the age of 40 last year, very unexpectedly. You can read more about it here.

October 12th.

I really can't even go there in this moment. It is too painful my dear reader. Maybe you understand through your own grief. To believe that my brother has been gone for a year and or visit that day again or his death, in general, is too much to bear.

It is too much to bear. There is so much left inside of me that has to be sorted out, expressed and organized.

I do know that I have been on a journey my dear reader. This journey that I have been on since my brother's death has done the following:

1.) Permitted me to NOT have to be RIGHT about my spiritual beliefs. I feel FREE to NOT be boxed in. I can live in the grey and be ok with NOT knowing! I am so much more ok with living on the side of LOVE always than thinking that I have to know the right answer when it comes to GOD, heaven, and much more. I do not know the exact right answer and will not ever know the right answer until I go and leave this Earth myself! I feel so good that way! I love all people from all religions, thoughts, and traditions. I love YOU! I love you because Jesus loved me and that is all that I know because I experienced it myself. I am more open and am allowed to question God and broaden my views about God, religion and spirituality. A great book I found most comforting is Imagine the God of Heaven by John Burke. It is a book about NDE's, Near Death Experiences and it was phenomenal! It helped me see things so much better. I am forever thankful for this book!

2.) Prompted me to take extra care of my health! I probably took every test out there for my body to make sure that I was ok and that I was not dying myself. When tragedy hits, it makes you question EVERYTHING! This experience enabled me to focus on my health. I have worked with a naturopathic doctor who has helped me with a chronic gastro issue! I also was able to uncover some deeper fears that my brother's death triggered that were adding to my health problems. I am thankful for the support that my naturopathic doctor gave me. I recommend getting support while you are grieving! It is necessary! This is especially important for your mind, heart, and your BODY! You can read a blog I wrote on the body here.

3.) My brother is still with me! Countless things have happened within this year that have validated to me that my brother is still with me and that his presence is with God and they can let me know when he is present. Whether it is a feeling, a number, a coincidence, a dream. My brother still cares for me and my family! I know it! I have felt my brother's spirit be present with me and have felt the need to stand in a more empowered posture as I move forward with my life. I know that he wants this for me!

4.) I have accepted that my brother is in a new place. This place of acceptance is a hard one. I have had this told to me so many times. You feel bad accepting someone's death. Why in the world would you want to accept it. However, I believe he is truly where he needs to be and that I am a year closer to seeing him one day. He will be waiting for me when I get there and I am so encouraged by that! Vince is in a place that he prefers, a place where he is taken care of, a place that is way better than here, and a place where God's love is loving him every second of every day!

I am holding back a lot like I always do.

Gosh! WOW! Can you relate?

You know that you have to hash it out!

You know that you have to enter the darkness first before seeing the light.....

but.........

It. is. Hard.

It is hard my dear reader.

My brother is gone. Someone who was part of my life for 40 years has left. A member of my family that gave my family a particular look and feel is no more.

Is no more.

It is different now. It will never be the same.

We are figuring it out as a family. How do we operate now.? Who are we now, once a family member has gone. How do we function?

This is what we contemplate and think about.

This is what we try to put into action.

However, what we can continue to do is to LOVE. This is always here for us and always everpresent. No matter who leaves the family unit, LOVE will always remain. His love will always remain and I will continue to learn lessons every day without him being here!

So we go.

Day by day.

Little by little.

Approaching the 1 year anniversary the best we can.

What feels like yesterday to me and my family is quoted as "long ago" from many people. This stings and hurts because there is no way to quantify time with my beloved brother.

Time is different to everyone.

I wonder how long it will feel like yesterday to me and my family.

It is as though I have been frozen in time. There is no way that it feels like a year has passed.

I want Vince to be forever in my heart and I know he is and will be!

May we celebrate life every day we can while we are here on Earth!

I miss my brother terribly and am at the same time thanking him for all of the lessons that I have learned since his death. I have to keep on doing the work.

The work.

To be me!

He was him for sure! No doubt about it! REAL AUTHENTICITY!

He wants me to be me! I will continue to do so as I shed all that keeps me trapped in a box. I will continue to climb out of the box so that I can live to just be me, the way he lived to just be him. That was all he could do and that is all I will strive to do as well!

I join my prayers with yours dear reader if you are experiencing grief or have lost someone in your past. The Lord will cover us all and will continue to guide us in this lifetime for his glory! I pray that you can be vulnerable and allow yourself the time and space to grieve as well. At the same time, pay attention to what the absence of the person is teaching you. Amen!!!!!

Please know that you are not alone and that you just might be searching for your

"authentic" life as well. I love you and God loves you! All are welcome here!

I invite you to subscribe to this blog if you are a hurting person who is still determined to lead a healing life! I am here for it and I can't wait to see where the Lord takes us!

Please pass this along to friends and family who would be interested in these topics.

I love you!

God Bless You!

Brandis

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11